As you might have noticed… I’m pregnant!!! (Can you believe it?) The #1 thing people ask me (“are you guys going to have kids”) I can now answer with a yes. With that said, I’ve put off writing this because I my first trimester wasn’t at ALL what I expected. I didn’t expect pregnancy anxiety in first trimester! So, I’d like to share some of the good, the bad, and the ugly of my pregnancy. Especially as I’ve connected with SO MANY of you on IG that experienced anxiety issues. (See the video here of me and my husband talking about it.)
Finding out… what the &*$#
Without being TMI let’s just say I got pregnant like… immediately. And being “older” I thought FOR SURE it would take a very long time. And honestly, I was mentally prepared to not get pregnant or have kids. So when I took that first pregnancy test and it was positive I was BEYOND shocked. I actually came out of the bathroom and threw it at my husband’s head when he asked what it said – haha. He proceeded to say in a completely nonchalant manner said, “Oh you’re pregnant… well isn’t that what you expected to happen?” And um, no. I really didn’t! I thought it would take months… or even years!
Instead of being overjoyed or the crying/happy women in a First Response ad I was in shock… aaaand this happened a week and a half before my trips to Napa/LA/Palm Springs. So, instead of thinking about pregnancy any further I just planned for my trip. And since I was like 1 second pregnant I thought we’ll see if this lasts…
*Important fact about myself – I NEVER let myself get excited about anything until it’s final or happening. I’m a total realist or what I call “a we will see’ist.“
Fortunately the trip went well and as soon as I got home (like THE NEXT DAY) my morning sickness started. As did the anxiety. After I found out I was pregnant I was so very antsy. I would wake up early with my heart racing and go to bed the same way. I quickly realized that the only thing that semi helped was going completely off coffee (sounded gross to me anyway) and working out. For some reason I also lost my “ability” to hit snooze in the morning. Lying there just made me MORE anxious! (And I’m the kind of girl who likes to sleep in.)
The second I would wake up I would workout. And that being said, I know I’m SO LUCKY that my morning sickness would set in about 30 minutes after I woke up. I felt blessed to have this little window of time where I could workout as hard as possible and get some much need endorphins going. It really did help chill me out. It was like my Xanax pill… but I had to do it every morning or I would be a wreck.
(And on the days I didn’t workout… well, it was not pretty. My heart would race and I would just feel so sad. I didn’t understand why during this happy time I was feeling so sad!)
How to hide your pregnancy from friends and family…
First ultrasound
During this time, I have my first ultrasound which revealed a VERY low heartbeat. We left the appointment with the very real expectation that it could end at any time. So again, I put the pregnancy out of my mind while we play the waiting game till my next ultrasound. During this time we didn’t get excited or tell anybody. Since this was during the winter and at the beginning of the pandemic, it was VERY easy to hide at home. And I honestly didn’t want to leave because I was a nauseated zombie with a bad case of nerves. My poor husband took such good care of me — picking up pho and soup from Whole Foods nonstop. And as for Gran, well, she just thought I was in a really bad mood for 2 months – haha. That’s right, we didn’t even tell her! (Which she wasn’t happy about).
Finally good news!!!
In a nutshell that was the first 12 weeks. Panicked, nauseous and expecting that something bad was going to happen. To be truthful it was a dark time for us, especially with the uncertainty of Covid-19 and how it would affect our lives/jobs made for a very scary 1st trimester. But the GOOD news is that during that last week of my 1st trimester all my genetic tests came back positive and we had a STRONG heartbeat… so it became pretty official!!
Time to get excited, there was a baby on board! However, being the cautiously natured people that we are, we waited almost ANOTHER MONTH to tell our families! (And waited till 20 weeks to announce it to the world.)
*2nd Important fact about myself – I’m amazing at keeping secrets — I’m like a vault! And this was the biggest secret of my life…
Food aversions, cravings, and morning sickness
Immediately (even before I knew I was pregnant) I felt funny. Like almost drunk without being drunk and full even though I hadn’t eaten. And then when I did find out, my nerves made it harder to eat! I just didn’t want anything. Fast forward to about 7 weeks and morning sickness kicked in. For me it lasted all day (except for that blissful 30 minutes in the morning) and consisted of dizziness and my stomach hating all food. I never threw up (thankfully) but I really wanted to. And the exhaustion was insane. I basically woke up dreaming of the moment I could take a nap, then dreaming of the moment I could go to sleep. I’ve never slept so much in my life!
The only foods I wanted were broth-based soups, especially pho. I LIVED off of pho for weeks! And then there was the cottage cheese phase. All I could stomach was cottage cheese and pretzels. Then came the salty phase were I wanted pickles, olives, and pickled okra. And bread was my friend. I wanted aaaaallllllll the carbs. And that was my diet for a month and half. I couldn’t stomach veggies (which I LOVE) and basically was on the bland diet. But that would all change soon and I would go back to eating better… and more!
The guilt I feel…
I feel guilty that this post isn’t more cheerful. I WANT to be jumping for joy but that wasn’t my experience. Pregnancy on tv or commercials is full of tears of joy, not tears of fears which was what I experienced (and still do). If you feel like this, I want you to know that you are not alone! And to make sure to reach out to doctors, family or friends if you need to. You take care of you! I’ve had a wonderful husband who has been so supportive and a doctor I feel comfortable talking to. It’s such a crazy time and you shouldn’t go through it alone. Always DM me if you need to chat and don’t be too hard on yourself. That’s something I keep having to remind myself!
2nd trimester recap is coming soon!
And let me just say, things did improve. VASTLY. I still feel sadness sometimes but once the morning sickness cleared I at least felt human again… which can do wonders for your mood. Stay tuned!
xo